Please Don't
by fanficsawaityou
Summary: You and Cassian are on a mission. Things go horribly, horribly wrong.
1. Chapter 1

The shit had hit the metaphorical fan almost instantly. The absolute _idiot_ that had prepared the mission brief had obviously never been to Teika; they probably had never researched it either.

 _The locals are pro-Rebellion_ , they'd said.

 _You shouldn't meet any resistance_ , they'd said.

 _It should be no problem_ , they'd said.

 ** _It should be easy_**.

—

2 down, 7 to go.

A blaster shot flashes past your face. Understandably, you're slightly upset.

"I'm going to shove this gun _so_ far up his ass that he'll taste the slug before he feels it."

Cassian fixes you with a look of _not now_ but you are honestly livid. The job had been about gathering information; nothing more than chasing whispers of a surviving Jedi hidden on some desert planet. In fact, even your presence was only due to protocol stating that solo missions were to be avoided at all costs. Ironically, the descent into chaos was also completely your fault. _Somehow_ , in middle of _nowhere_ on one of the galaxy's most _insignificant_ moons, you had apparently been recognised from a less-than-successful assignment from some weeks prior. Unfortunately, your stalker also happened to be the Empire's #1 fan. The stormtroopers had arrived before you'd even had time to warn the base. With K2 waiting on the ship and only two blasters between you, this was not going to be easy.

* * *

5 down, 4 to go.

You and Cassian are weaving through cramped and busy market streets. The locals are easily startled, and all attempt to scatter when the fight is brought anywhere near them. This works to your advantage as the chaos makes it near impossible for anyone to land a shot. Unfortunately, you are running out of both crowds and options.

"We need to get back to the ship," Cassian says.

"No _shit_. Let's just stop **_right_** her-"

"Y/N, this is not the time for your bulls-"

"Don't say dumb crap and neither will I!"

Any response from Cassian is cut off by you pulling him into a throng of people. Your world dissolves into noise and movement as your grip on his sleeve threatens to fail. When you surface some streets away, Cassian is greeting you with a hooded cloak while he wears a similar one thrown over his shoulders. Shaking it out, you don the robe and hurry after him as he begins to run again. The commotion of the stormtroopers is further away than before, but you know that even they will find you if you don't get off this goddamn moon soon.

* * *

8 down, 1 to go.

The remainder trooper is proving himself a coward. When his last ally drops, he scuttles like a Womp rat. His filthied uniform darts around a corner, and the weight of pursuit drops from your shoulders. You and Cassian share a tired smile which makes your heart flutter, but you kick the notion to the bottom of your stomach (because it is still really not the time). Despite the fact that your pace is still hurried, the desperation of a few minutes ago is beginning to wear off. The ship is in sight and you can see the thrusters are already engaged. In a burst of personal bravery and the high of adrenaline, you sling your arm over Cassian's shoulder. He looks at you with surprise but doesn't pull back. He simply hooks an arm around your waist and increases his speed.

You match his walk, "I think I owe you a drink after that. Who knew I was so famous?"

Cassian looks like he's trying not to smile, but you know him too well. He wants to be annoyed that you messed up the mission, but honestly neither of you could've seen it coming; he's already forgiving you. In step, you stride up into the ship.

"You know what, I think you owe me more than one drink. You could've gotten me kille-"

—

As weapons go, blasters are not particularly loud or distinct in their noise; each sounds identical to another and has no soul, no elegance. And yet you know, from that very first second, that you will remember the exact tone, the exact whistle, the exact _screech_ ofthe shot fired for the rest of your life.

—

For a moment, you see the world in a snapshot before it plays out. Your eyes catch a flash on the near horizon. You know that nothing can be done. No one here can do anything to stop a blast already out of the barrel. K2-SO is descending from the console in a slow, futile warning. Cassian is staring at K2, bemused and oblivious. The air is heavy and full and burdened with a promise of destruction that no one can stop now.

Your heart beats and life resumes.

You feel the shudder and pull of Cassian's body away from you as the slug finds its mark. Your vision is flashing technicolour and white. The air is too thick. Your lungs are empty but your ribs are breaking, cracking, imploding. The metal of your blaster is sharp against your palm and its shots consume the skyline. There is a cry somewhere and all you can think is _too late_ , _too late_ , _too late_ , _too late_. The hatch is closing and you are falling next to Cassian as he crumbles. His rasping, almost surprised, breath is filling every space in your brain as the world beyond screams with noise. You strip off your jacket and stuff it under his head as you try to stop your hands from shaking. The ship is taking off but all you see is blood. _Blood_ , _blood_ , _blood_. He looks fragile and too hazy. This is not Cassian. This is not your Cassian.

"Hang on- just- I-," you don't want to leave him for a moment but he needs bacta patches and there is no one to help you.

Placing him down as gently as you can, you race to the emergency kit. Ripping it off the wall, bandages fly as you trip back to him. You fall next to him and your world is blurring with _blood_ , _blood_ , _blood_. It's not until the jump to hyperspace clears your vision do you realise that you're crying. You roll him onto your knees to apply the patch and the blood in your own ears roars. _Please don't die_ , _please don't die_. You have never pretended to be a medic, but you've seen wounds like this before. They're not the kind that you call a doctor for; they're the kind that you call for a priest. You press bacta after bacta over every inch of twisted skin as you try to ignore the pain you can feel radiating from him.

You lay Cassian back and you feel your heart drop. He is far too pale. His cheeks are sallow and his eyelashes are fluttering like he's struck by fever. There is nothing more to be done at this point, so you do all that's left.

"Please don't die, please don't die, please don't die," you whisper like a child.

He's more awake than you thought, "I'm not going anywhere, Y/N."

He's breathless and it only makes you cry more. The tears are ugly and they feel like condemnation. He doesn't say anything else but he does take your hand and hold it to his heart. You recite prayers that you remember from childhood, hoping that old faith will guide you now. You have both survived too much for this to be the end. You will _not_ lose him now.


	2. Chapter 2

K2's voice occasionally breaks the quiet but his words are falling on numb ears; the noise is there but the speech has no meaning. You are far too focused on the rise of Cassian's chest and his heartbeat beneath your fingers. Little be little, like the tide washing away sand, it is slowing and you can feel yourself breaking down. Cassian is slipping, and there is nothing you can do but watch him die.

"Please don't leave me, Cassian," your voice is cracking now.

He has lost consciousness for the most part, but the grip on your hand does twitch slightly. Your tears are less violent than they were, but they are constant and your collar is soaked. You have run out of prayers and faith, and all you're left with is blood.

You lower your head to his chest and let out a sob. It chokes out of your throat. You have fought the good fight for your whole adult life, and you had accepted a long time ago that sacrifice was a part of that, _but you would not accept this_. _You would not lose Cassian_. This was the line you drew in the sand; this was the point that you could not return from.

"Please, you've got to hold on. You're my best 've been a part of my life for so long, I don't know how to live without you."

The sobs clawing from your chest are vicious and increasing in strength. With every beat of his failing heart, Cassian is one breath closer to leaving you and this fact is becoming all too real.

"One minute out from Yavin 4 airspace," these are the only of K2's words that get through to you.

You return your attention to Cassian but realise that you've lost his heartbeat. It has become so faint that you can't feel it through his chest anymore. You move your hands to cradle his face and hold his pulse as your whole body shakes. You're struggling to feel a heartbeat from the trembling of your own hands. He could die any moment and you wouldn't know until his body cooled.

"Please don't go. Please. _Please_."

There is no response. No shudder, no tic, nothing to tell you that he's still alive. The swell of his chest is weak, and his breaths rattle from deep in his throat.

"This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to do anything to hurt you. I- I- I love you, Cassian."

He doesn't stir.

"I'm a coward, and I know I should've said something before this, but stay, and I'll prove it to you every day. Even if you don't love me back, it won't matter. Just- just, _stay_."

Your words are almost incoherent between your bawling and your fights for breath. Your desperate promises and pleas are pouring from the part of your soul that you've been ignoring and denying for months. You have loved him for too long and it is breaking your heart to realise that Cassian may never know this.

"So, I'm _begging you_. _Please don't leave me_. It's always-"

The words are stolen by the jump from hyperspeed and your own grief. You are shaking yourself to pieces. Your airway is so constricted that your gasps are beginning to wheeze. Calls are coming through the radio that vaguely sound like help but you don't know anymore. You're not even sure that he's still here. So gathering everything that you have left, you curl your hands in Cassian's hair and rest your forehead against his.

"It's always been you, Cassian. _Please_ , it's always been you."

It becomes a mantra.

 _Always, always, always, always, always_.

You feel yourself being picked up and instantly lash out. You will not leave him; not now, not ever.

"Y/N, please. There is nothing more you can do to help him," K2's tone is carefully flat.

You are hanging in the air, tear streaming down your face, helpless as you watch medics rush Cassian away.

You don't think you're ever going to see him again. Not really.

* * *

Whether he lives or dies is up to Cassian now. The doctors say that they have done what they can but that sometimes, time is the only thing that will tell. He could crash at any moment, and that would be the end.

You have not left his side since the nurses let you in. You have given numerous mission reports, and dismissed multiple attempts to examine you, from his bedside. (In his favour, K2 has been there as long as you.)

Everyone seems shaken that the mighty Captain Andor, hero of Scarif, has done something as human as get shot. Dozens of well-wishers for you and Cassian alike flood in every day, but you are just tired. You are exhausted; your bones feel heavy and your thoughts are clouded. You spend a lot of time with your head cushioned on Cassian's bed but sleep remains evasive. You often rest with your eyes closed but the steady beat of the heart rate monitor is a constant.

Somehow you have captured sleep. Nightmares filled with faceless soldiers and endless blaster shots chase around your head. It feels claustrophobic and painfully familiar. You want to wake up but everything is wrong. The world is spinning and there is terrible laughter and you are drowning in sand and bullets. Something touches your hand, something solid and grounding. You focus and the world around you melts to black. You wake up slowly, groggy and heart racing. Some one is gently parting the hair that frames your face and tucking it behind your ear. For a perfect moment, you allow yourself this comfort before opening your eyes.

The first thing that you notice is that K2 has left the room.

The second is that Cassian is awake and touching your face.

You bolt upright and clasp your hands over your mouth. Your eyes are watering, even threatening to cry, but it doesn't matter. _Cassian is alive, alive, alive, alive_. Conscious of his injuries, you hover over him when you throw your arms around his neck. You have considered what you will say to him if he woke countless times- all of this planning goes to waste.

"You bastard, never do that to me again."

You are crying into his shoulder now as he gingerly places his arms around your waist. He buries his face into your neck, so his words are muffled.

"I can't make any promises, but I'll try."

The guilt comes back like a slap.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't- I would never-"

"Shhh, Y/N, it's ok. I know. I heard you."

Your whole body freezes up. Your tears are still falling but your mind has kicked into top gear. In all this empty time, you hadn't considered that he'd been able to hear you at that point. Your words had been anguished attempts to revive his slipping consciousness and then the final confessions to a dying man. _He wasn't supposed to remember_.

"How much?"

"It's always been you."

The silence is still. You feel bile churn in your stomach. This was not how this was supposed to go. Cassian would wake up and heal, and life would return to its rhythms. He wasn't- shit, **_shit_**.

You let him go and pull back. Your head is spinning almost as fast as your heart is beating; you can feel your pulse in your fingertips. You take a step back but the tightening of Cassian's grasp on your waist makes you pause. The air thrums with anticipation but Cassian doesn't say anything for a couple seconds.

He licks his lips once, twice, and then says "Did you mean it?"

You stare at him. Your mouth is dry and he is avoiding your eyes, but Cassian's voice is steady.

"Y/N, did you mean it?"

He is more insistent now; his voice is demanding the truth that you are all too hesitant to offer. Eventually you swallow your pride, and nod.

"All of it?"

Again, you nod.

"Well thank the Maker."

Before any more words can be uttered, Cassian's hands are tugging at your waist. You lose your balance, topple forwards, and are forced to place your hands either side of his face to avoid falling on him. His breath is warm on your lips; you have never been this close to him before. Everything else fades away when he leans forward to kiss you.

Both of you have seen better (cleaner) days, and your face is covered in drying tears, but you wouldn't change anything. You have wanted to kiss Cassian since he had saved your ass on Jakku months ago, and it was finally happening. He is warm and _so alive_ , and after the last couple of days, this is more than you could have ever hoped for. Too soon, you break it off to breathe again. Carefully, Cassian brings up a hand to cradle your cheek and just slightly, you lean into his touch. He considers your face for a moment and then smirks a little.

"I meant what I said, Y/N. It's always been you."


End file.
